[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
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me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
How high do the levels go?
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN