Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
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7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
We’re all getting idioter.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”