The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
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Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)