I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
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a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
The Struggle
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Still cracks me up
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.