JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
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Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
huge if true: the moon
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding