When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
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Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.