Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
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Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Always
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.