Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
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Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.