Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
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My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
PARKOUR
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.