[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
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You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
A friend helps you before you need it
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Friday
🤔😂😂
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death