The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
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Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online