INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
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Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
A little too much information.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
The dark side of Canada
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.