How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
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To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.