Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
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Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession