“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
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god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I have obtained a hat
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I am a gravy boat captain
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.