I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
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Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?