Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
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I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”