“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
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A great tip. #CakeRex
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.