Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
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You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
How actors in movies eat their food
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
real
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.