[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
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Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
How is it still this week?
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.