the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
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Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered