Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
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Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*