Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
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14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
My kitchen overserved me.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Tier 3 meme
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Thursday Thought.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.