Meeeee too!
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conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.