If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
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*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
yeah no that’s fair
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
guilty
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.