One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Knock Knock
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.