Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
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If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.