doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
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Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Who knew!
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.