I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
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[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive