He’s cranky this morning
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The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”