Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
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The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Google Pay be like:
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
rise and shine we got egg
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store