“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
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My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”