Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
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At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.