Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
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One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.