Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
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Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
the pigeons are already plenty salty