Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
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when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
boat question
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
#FunnyLife Insects
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things