Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
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wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Doggies just call it style.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.