Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
You Might Also Like
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in