Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
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Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?