Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
See..?
.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now