TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
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”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?