[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
You Might Also Like
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”