Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
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I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell