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Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me