Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
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Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I’ve had worse
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS