I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft đ
You Might Also Like
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I never understood how the little drummer boyâs parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
âBEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing pingâ
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
You canât keep running away from your problems, youâre getting older and your kids are getting faster.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! đ
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
âPerfectly preserved 90s Burger Kingâ is the result I want from a skincare product
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just donât yell at that man.
white people love ordering something thatâs meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
My 3-year-old said, âDaddy, youâre big & strong like a garbage truck.â Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?