A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
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The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded