Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
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“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.