Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
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When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.