DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
You Might Also Like
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.